Mindful Couples Therapy

Mindfulness is a big buzzword.

Meditation, yoga, and even psychedelics have become commonplace as pathways to achieve mindfulness. In our increasingly stressed out world, we are all searching for a way to bring more peace and calm into our lives; as couples therapists, our role is to help you bring that serenity to your relationship.

Have you ever wondered what it means to be mindful in your marriage or partnership?

In essence, it is to see things as they actually are, not as you wish they are or imagine them to be. To be mindful in your relationship means accepting and even embracing things as they are without trying to change them. The foundation of conflict is seeded with the desire to change our partner, so not trying to change them can be a big challenge.

We want so desperately to achieve perfect love that we mistakenly believe that if things are done the way we want, peace will prevail and joy will reenter the relationship.

Let’s say one partner is dissatisfied with the frequency of sex.

An unmindful response would be to criticize, shame and blame the other partner or to seek sex outside the relationship.

In both scenarios the mindset is…

You are wrong and I am right.
I want more sex and you should, too.
Or at least accommodate me.

By contrast, a mindful response is infused with the energy of love and is suffused with kindness, generosity, curiosity, empathy, validation, openness, acceptance, flexibility, forgiveness and lightness.

A mindful response means communicating calmly in a loving way without criticism shame or blame. Bringing mindfulness into your partnership offers the kind of intimacy and connection that we all want.

Imagine instead saying…

Making love with you makes me happier than anything in the world.
It makes me feel connected and safe and reminds me how beautiful our union is.
It’s hard for me when we have sex less than twice a month because we get so busy and stressed out with work and the baby.
I would love to be intimate more often, and I’m not sure how to go about it because I know you are stressed out, too.
What ideas do you have about this?

Mindfulness involves leaving behind judgment, reactivity and attachment to a particular outcome. Instead, it is about bringing the energy of love. When you add mindfulness, every relationship has the potential to be a transformative journey towards wholeness.

What Does the Mindful Couple Look Like?

Realizes that the way they trigger each other has something to do with their childhood wounds or wounds from a previous relationship. This awareness fuels curiosity and care about how they can show up to help in the awareness and healing of those wounds.

Places the needs and desires of their partner as a priority and sets out to meet those needs without expecting anything in return.

Accepts and respects differences. Rather than trying to change them, these differences are seen as sources that will enrich and expand the relationship.

Always addresses needs directly with each other rather than complaining to friends and family, sitting and sulking or, worse yet, attacking.

Realizes that anger is a result of pain and becomes more curious and compassionate rather than defensive and reactive, both with each other and with themselves.

Learns to take responsibility in all breakdowns, even if on the surface it appears to be their partner’s fault. The focus is on what they may have done to trigger their partner rather than what their partner did to them.

Extends themselves outside the relationship to support their partner’s cares including friends, family or the world at large. They do this by paying attention to what matters to their partner.

The Mindful Couple understands that the true beauty in life happens in the present.

And avoids ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. They help each other bring lightness and love to every moment, especially when times are challenging.

Probably the most important skill for a Mindful Couple is deep listening: the ability to ask questions, to find out the other’s perspective, to validate even in the face of disagreement and to empathize by really putting yourself in your partner’s shoes. Only from this perspective can a path toward more love and connection emerge.

To become a Mindful Couple is an ever evolving journey, not a destination. It’s a commitment not all couples will make. The Course in Miracles states that whatever is before you is your highly individualized curriculum. For those who choose to make their relationship a mindful one, there are many rewards to be gained. We see couples transform from angry and disconnected to loving, joyful and connected. Should you choose this journey we say “Enjoy!” for it is truly a beautiful and rewarding one. We see it every day with our clients and we experience it in our own lives.

Why We Incorporate This Approach

We strongly believe that we are all energy and as such our thoughts and intentions have a powerful effect on our health, our emotions, our behavior and certainly our relationships. We draw from many spiritual traditions and incorporate that wisdom into our sessions and our daily lives as a happy, deeply connected couple.